Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I like long walks away from everyone
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions