FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Juliet: OR AM I…
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
lego batman: i hate the rain
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire
teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.