Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@hellolanemoore

yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time

@InternetHippo

The most realistic part of Harry Potter is how he goes to a school where he learns skills he can’t use in the real world.

@RobDenBleyker

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

@JonBaker

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

@JohnLyonTweets

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@CruisinSoozan

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”