Mum: “OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!”
Me: “Madness?! NO… THIS IS SPARTA!!”
*Kicks Mum*..

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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.


If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.


Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…


This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.


All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.


Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”


Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one


lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire


teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said


Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.