Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

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I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.


News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again


Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.


“I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch.” — bibliophiles, to books


A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good


Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you


My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active


ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.


therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”