@LucybelleH

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

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@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@dumbdora77

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@librarianfonz

“I want to take you home, pull off your jacket, run my hand down your spine and curl up with you on the couch.” — bibliophiles, to books

@bacon_gillepic

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

@DaddyJew

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

@Steph_A_Nanny

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

@chuuew

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

@Skoog

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”