Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”