People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Still cracks me up
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.