I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Spring of Deception
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.