Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air
2) Name it Fresh Prints
3) Make millions
4) Move to West Philadelphia
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
White parent Vs Arab parents
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.