Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Couple walking by my house:
There’s a grown man making snow angels! It’s nice that he’s kept his child-like enthusiasm.
*passed out drunk in my front yard*
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
WIAT THIS MEME HAD A FULL STORY?????????????