@obviousplant_

Muppet Screams

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@Mom_Overboard

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@UnFitz

Couple walking by my house:
There’s a grown man making snow angels! It’s nice that he’s kept his child-like enthusiasm.

Me:
*passed out drunk in my front yard*

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

@E_lok44

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

@ddsmidt

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

@Quartzjixler

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.