Muppet Screams
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[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A Short Story.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.