@obviousplant_

Muppet Screams

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@moooooog35

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

@rebrafsim

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@Mikecanrant

1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@DaddyJew

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

@Travon

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.