MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.