Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Stop sending me this shit.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off