Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

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You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.


Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*


My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.


If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.


Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.


ME: there’s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means



THEM: werewolf Jesus?

ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus


So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*