Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time


Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes


I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.


I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.


[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!


Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.


Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.


Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things



9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine


Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed