You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as “exhibit A”
If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
ME: thereâ€™s a full moon this Easter, you know what that means
THEM: werewolf Jesus?
ME: *cocking shotgun* werewolf Jesus
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?