Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Yes
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*