@AshleyFrankly

Murder hornets? Well, it sounds like a welcome distraction, honestly. Let’s do it.

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@retardedwriter

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

@ScottLinnen

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

@MakesYouGiggle

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@ObscureGent

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@bingowings14

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@fuzzlime

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses