They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Omg 🤣
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
“We will wed,” I threatened
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.