This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
You Might Also Like
Hero horse inspires millions
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
This could’ve been an email.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Important
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Every haunted house movie:
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months