@i_Lean

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

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@UnFitz

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

@JJSummertime

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

@BobTheSuit

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

@plsleaveamsg

“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.

@Beerhaze

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

@POTerritory

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

@jordan_stratton

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.