Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

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[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*


Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?




[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg


Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.


Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.


[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead


Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??


your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice


I’ve learned a lot about women. Ex: if you’re going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you’d better stop on the way