Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs