“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Cool shirt 🙂
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.