ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other
[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.