[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
You Might Also Like
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I’ll be mad as hell!
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Support your local cemetery
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.