@goodhairperson

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

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@awkwardphilippe

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

@lisaxy424

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

@PhoenixRises69

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time ūüôĀ

@Gupton68

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@_sweet_ham

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@asaltiercorpse

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

@PsychoCesc

The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.