[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ll be mad as hell!
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.