[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
my first day as a raccoon
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.