[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
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Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂