[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
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My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells