I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Breaking news:
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Nothing.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.