[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!