@pilau

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

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@JoshontheGo

If I said I was the king of the jungle, I’d be lion to you.

@markleggett

Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@RyanAndrewMitch

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

@o__0Dev

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

@YourDailyGroan

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

@WilliamAder

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.