If I said I was the king of the jungle, I’d be lion to you.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
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Eat for free at any restaurant by disguising yourself as a trash can.
Man: hey you.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away
M: ugh. i hate my name.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
M: I rear-ended some girl today
W: Oh how much damage to her car
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.