Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook