murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
🤣✨#caturday
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket