@stephenjmolloy

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

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@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

@bea_ker

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

@Kica333

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

@SmithWit

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

@DrinkingJimmy

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

@chris_isloi

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

@JuliaEveHays

Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.

@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.