I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Hey, Morgan Freeman. Donating $1M to Obama’s campaign isn’t going to make him get older faster so you can play him in the movie.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.