[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
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We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.