[Murderer chasing me]


Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*


My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips


Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.


Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?


*On deathbed*
Me: Will someone make that beeping stop?
Wife: I GOT IT!!!!
*pulls plug*
Nurse: You only had to press the mute.
Wife: I know.


“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
[to salesman]
one shark pls


My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.


If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..


Me: Pretty sure my life just flashed before my eyes.

Trainer: You only did a single push-up.

Me: Call my mother and tell her I love her.


If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear