@RedRegenerated

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

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@BagginsMomo

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

@HatfieldAnne

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

@kelkulus

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

@TheHyyyype

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

@SandwichGhoul

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

@VeryRudeTweets

I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

@ArfMeasures

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon