@ermahgarton

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

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@globetrottgirl

It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@radtoria

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

@HenpeckedHal

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

@the_hawlk

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

@living_marble

Why must the weapons in Clue be so mundane? It’s an imaginary murder. Why not a teapot full of bees, a laser gun, a poem so beautiful it kills?

@buckweiser13

I’ve been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.

Stare all you want.