[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
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Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Thursday
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907