Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You Might Also Like
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.