murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel


there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.


God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.


When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”


Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough


So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.


If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.


they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead