*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Women who get kidnapped while jogging: you’re not jogging fast enough
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If my son’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead