murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
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I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house