I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Nice try, poison.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.