Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”