[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
You Might Also Like
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats