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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Dolls on drugs
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.