“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
MURDERER: *kicks down my door*
ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[Running into a friend]
FRIEND: Hey it’s good to see you! We should get together soon!
FRIEND: How about Friday?
ME: Yeah let’s do it soon
FRIEND: Right, like Friday?
ME: Take care!
FRIEND: So, Friday?
ME: *grabs their collar* Stop trying to make this happen
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[jaws theme plays]
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”
*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*