MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha

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My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.


honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions


Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.


[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*


“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”


Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]


I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.


*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*