I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
You Might Also Like
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
How it started: How it’s going:
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My love language is deader than Latin