MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that