murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
You Might Also Like
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
More like Kate Missington.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.