Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome

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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right


Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.


Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself


New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.


I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.


Therapist: Wow, it sounds like academia causes you a lot of anxiety, isolation, guilt, and disappointment.
Me: Yes, I guess you’re right.
Therapist: So what do you intend to do once you finish your PhD?
Me: I would ideally like to get an academic job.


I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.


Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]

Me: *[Types in]


You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.