I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
You Might Also Like
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.