A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Murderer: [points a gun at me]
Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome
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I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.