Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome

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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?


I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”


Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.


ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.



its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?


1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive


Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse


me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how


Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO


My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.