@AbbieEvansXO

Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome

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@DwellerLake

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

@annoyingyang_

Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

@dethbycofee

its cute how 2020 is trying to out do itself by being more shitty everyday. almost like it’s trying to impress me….omg are u flirting with me, 2020?

@tulobh

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.