murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
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Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t