To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
You Might Also Like
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
ME: No… no, not better.
[Julius Caesar being murdered]
“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii