murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
😂 amazing answer
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.