murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it


Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so


Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”


Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No


I’m a wealth of knowledge

Unless you want it to be true

Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics

2 of those might just be Doritos flavors


Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same


Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!