murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.


There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.


JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.


[Julius Caesar being murdered]

“Just please don’t name a salad after me.”


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?


COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.


Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”


her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls


1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET


Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”


ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii