Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.