Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
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If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
* tries to spread peanut butter *
Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend