Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

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If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!


Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?


“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby


I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/


[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?



god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face


Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English


WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough


* tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend