@tennisonok

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

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@Johnniemmanuel

If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

@Jeffwni

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

@aspiringtoucan

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@PorkUrPine

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@BaldyLockzz

* tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend