Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
You Might Also Like
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.