Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
You Might Also Like
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about