Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
do horses think humans are hats
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*