MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Dead sexy!!
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!