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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.