Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.