[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
According to math, I’m broke
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360