[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

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I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.


Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”


My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*


Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.


cop: what do we put for cause of death
me: health complications
cop: but he was beheaded
me: really complicates one’s health, doesn’t it


I turned off Auto-Correct for the first time, and now my new girlfriend thinks she has a face that launched a 1000 shits.


The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.


[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.