[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
From Facebook just now…
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.