Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
You Might Also Like
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
wtf is a larm clock?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.