[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I only treason on days ending in y
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.