@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

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@CauseWereGuys

“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.

@NamestartswithZ

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

@notorious_stars

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

@Boywhiz88

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

@HoldinCoffeeld

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

@IchBin_Rob

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@CheryeDavis

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

@reallifemommy3

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

@Robski_Boy

I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?